Today, film scoop-master El Mayimbe published a piece on Latino Review that left me speechless. In it, Mayimbe gives advice to Hugh Jackman on how to prepare for his upcoming role in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wolverine. Mayimbe insists that Jackman ignore the advice he’s been given to consume 6,000 calories per day, and instead, embrace a proven workout that uses anabolic steroids:
May I introduce you sir to the BRING YOUR BODY BACK STACK. Perfect for a man your age! Designed by John Romano, this cycle is designed to produce maximum body with no visible side effects, (i.e. no acne, no oily skin, and no undo aggression) and is kind to you liver and kidneys…The following steroids have been singled out because of their desired effect with little or no side effects, no water retention, low liver and kidney toxicity, and synergy when combined…
Mayimbe then goes on to list, with clinical ease, some of the steroids that are most effective in this regimen, such as Nandrolone Deconoate and Primobolan.
If this is a satirical article, meant to lampoon the modern excesses of the modern male workout, then I have to say it is brilliant. It nails the macho tone completely (“Well, I have a slight problem with that advice. First of all its unrealistic and the biggest crock of shit I ever heard”) and its QVC-style salesmanship is right on the money. Plus, the explicit advocacy of steroid use, not to mention the provision of weight-gain advice on a movie blog at all, feels so out of place that it is Jody Hill levels of hilarious.
If, however, Mayimbe was serious, then this thing is f*cking nuts.